you'll be the poison; you'll be the cure

everything is..

Sun, 05 Aug 2012 21:33:01 -0400

raising my blood pressure exponentially lately.

especially school. and the 6 classes im taking this fall.. not to mention the two i ave yet to finish for summer II.

my nutrition today= FUCKING perfect.

im really pushing it this week because i feel like i haven’t made as much progress as i could have the past two weeks.

planning to take my trainer exam in the next two weeks, seriously.

i don’t update a lot, mainly because im always busy. but i write out my thoughts in my head and i wish tumblr could transcribe them for me. lol

anyway, back to project number two! big week ahead of me.

haven't had..

Thu, 02 Aug 2012 00:34:51 -0400

the best few weeks lately. sort of nightmare-ish, really.

my heart (my real heart lol) has been bothering me and i’m always very aware of palpitations. i get nervous about it so often it ruins my daily living now. it’s one of those things i try not to mention to my parents because it hits too close to home. but i’m getting sick of panicking while im on a stairmaster, wondering if my chest is going to explode or something.

im dying to dye my hair red again. lol it’s like three different shades right now and i need some change. the other day my sister said it looked ombre and added most people pay for that at a salon though, not wait till it grows all the way out lolol

i feel like giving up a lot. i love what i do, and i train for a reason, but im lagging on progress and it’s kinda doin me in over here. im making progress but it seems slow. like not near ready for competition kinda slow.

school needs to be over. i can’t wait to pass my training exam. things are okay.

im getting..

Wed, 18 Jul 2012 01:11:08 -0400

really frustrated. i’ve been upset for about a week now, just in general… like a little bout of depression or something. idk but fuck this shit.

and i fucked my awesome diet up this weekend.

and i feel like a whale cause of this fucking creatine.

and the creatine helps me pack in a 3-4 hr workout, which leaves me fucking exhausted at the end of the day.

and school fucking sucks.

FUCKING sucks.

this week is already draggin like no other. my eating is back on track. but i still look/feel like a whale.

tired. sleep well. gnight.

comp prep..

Tue, 10 Jul 2012 01:20:59 -0400

has begun once again.

and im hungry lol

im noticing some serious gains as far as upper body goes, but im so ready to kill some legs this week. my knee bothers me when i stress it, but other than that i think im ready.

i’m always ready ;)

actually, i’m really stressed at the moment. so tmrw i should have plenty of energy to kill it…. if i ever get some decent sleep.

i still can’t bring myself to post personal shit on that other blog. im not even sure why it exists at this point.

there's a..

Sun, 08 Jul 2012 00:46:20 -0400

lean cuisine pizza in the freezer.

not giving any fucks today, so….

GOIN FOR THE GOLDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD

i have..

Sat, 07 Jul 2012 00:58:59 -0400

this fear of posting on my new blog. this one has so much history. i’ve done a lot of starting over. im not sure i want to start something personal all over again.

im tiredddddddddddddddd. we’ll discuss later.

fitmissforlife.tumblr.com

Sun, 01 Jul 2012 21:24:15 -0400

GO GO GO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I O U..

Thu, 28 Jun 2012 10:08:58 -0400

I really do. I am so exhausted from school that by the time I’m ready to crawl under the covers around 2am and write a post, I fall asleep. -.-

This is from my iPhone, hence the proper grammar and caps. Lol

Here’s where I’m at: injured, frustrated, and annoyed. I strained a hip flexor the other day (illiotibial band) and pushed it the next two days. I trained with Adrienne Tuesday, and the pain was so bad I had to sit in the middle of our workout. When I got home, my knee was screaming at me and felt worse than my hip (patellofemoral pain).

Naturally, I’m frustrated I can’t do cardio which means I can’t eat excessively AT ALL (no carbs fml). I am gonna be smart about this and let it heal quickly instead of ending up immobile for a month from a more serious injury.

I’ll add to this later. Typing is tedious.

Have a great day:)

day 22..

Sat, 23 Jun 2012 20:51:10 -0400

my eating habits have sucked this week. that’s VERY relatively speaking though. i was thinking about it earlier. by sucked, i mean i had like a spoonful of nutella one day and extra peanut butter and not enough clean foods. well, sucked six months ago meant i ate everything in the fucking world for hours on end till i was ready to puke.

which was kinda what happened today, except it was only like 3 cups of cereal. lol see? relative.

nonetheless, i still feel horribly. like i failed at life or something. and this in part due to the fact that my self-esteem was shot (more like obliterated) last night.

let me tell you bout that. so i went out with my sister and a few of our close friends. two of them are guys. one of the guys is one of the girls’ bf. first, i was laughed at hysterically because i didn’t want to be out late because i had to be at the gym this morning. and then, when they found out it was because im training to compete? i have never felt so helpless. my sister stuck up for me, because she knows 3hrs a day, 6 days a week, is grueling.

then, it was time to make fun of my calves all night. WHICH LOOK MOTHERFUCKING AWESOME RIGHT NOW. my lower legs are really on target. you can actually see the muscle lining my tibia as well, which is really cool to me. that went on all night.

then, it was time to make fun of how awkward i am. it was stupid, but it happens so often. and especially, after the past two weeks of embarrassment in public…like come on. spare me, bitches.

i was finally granted some authority on fitness when i was asked about my supplements. when the word stack came out of my mouth, the guys were speechless lol when i knew which preworkouts and intraworkouts were most beneficial, i actually meant something for a second. then, it was this sarcastic shit about how “that’s inspirational”.

anyway, i was just really down about how the entire night went. and the dramatics enveloping the couple as well.

i thought it would motivate me to get to the gym this morning, but i was motivated on my own without all that condescending shit. i have better things to do than spend my evening listening to that.

back on track tmrw. giving myself some time today to recuperate and unwind, even if it does involve extra, certainly unnecessary calories. lol

don’t forget to rest. it’s important for your body to regenerate, but it’s also equally important for your mind and soul. life gets messy. be a little selfish, and make time for you.

day 20?

Fri, 22 Jun 2012 00:02:00 -0400

hey,

how are you? i’m tired. exhausted. never thought summer school could suck this much life outta me, but i suppose three hour training sessions could be the cause as well.

quick update: new trainer. adrienne. sweetest girl i’ve met in a long while. total body workouts. i follow our session with my weight training, since it’s not really necessary for someone to stand there and watch me lift.

so that’s 1 hour with adrienne + 1 hour weight training + 30mins/1hour cardio =very sore, completely drained sumsum. im really enjoying it though. how many people can make time to do this every day of their lives. im grateful for that.

it helps to see nice bi’s, abs, and glutes in the mirror this week as well ;)

today, i was running against a resistance band with adrienne pulling me back..seemed like the whole gym was watching, but a few guys came up to me and told me, literally, how awesome i was and it made me feel really great about my effort.

did have a few little slip-ups this week as far as nutrition. a spoonful or two of nutella. with good reason. cramps are a fucking good reason. and you know it.

sweet dreams,

sum

day 16..

Sun, 17 Jun 2012 21:52:54 -0400

so anthony cancelled on me thurs, did i tell you that already? and it was all because abel never told him he wrote me in his schedule. SHOCKER.

we rescheduled for friday, and he showed up an HOUR late. i didn’t really care, but the hour we spent training wasn’t great. idk the whole thing just isn’t my cup of tea right now. he’s a super nice guy, but he was really easy on my friday. maybe he’ll vamp it up this week. we talked about competing, so i think he will. he got a little more excited when we started talking about that.

meanwhile, abel and i are still tiptoeing around and it’s awkward and annoying. now it’s on him though, because he fucked up again. i’m avoiding him at all costs lol i don’t get played like a little bitch. i’m there to train, for me.

i was studying while walking and he came up to me to tell me anthony showed up and asked what i was studying for. my training exam. he goes, “wait, you’re gonna train for US?!” UMMM, FUCK NO. I DON’T DO SHIT FOR YOU.

lol it’ll get better over time. otherwise, i’m over it. and im a lot more concerned with my diet. which has been AMAZING up until today. yesterday was fine because i had a cheat meal and it was a salad lmao and some frozen yogurt. but today, cravings. cravings. c r a v i n g s. -.-

i’ll get back on track in the a.m. i’ve been exhausted with school and all this other shit. i did have some records this week!!!

bench press: 105, leg press: 210

yeaaaaahhhh baby ;)

day 12..

Wed, 13 Jun 2012 15:18:00 -0400

long story short:

i’ve been so frustrated with this training bullshit.

it’s hard when friends and money get involved, in more ways than one.

he stood me up TWICE in ONE day!! that was when i decided i was done with that. and apparently so did he, because he’s ignored me ever since.

so yesterday i decided to try and make things right, even though i didn’t do anything wrong!, and sign an $800 contract with his boss to train for three months (only six sessions a month, which is fucking bullshit) but i did it to make amends.

i think as long as i don’t make an issue of it, which i haven’t, and pretend i don’t care, which i clearly do lol, we can get on with our lives.

this is such a messsssssssss. i doubt he thinks im cute anymore either lol.

edit: i’m too tired to tell the story a millionth time. I AM SUCH A CREEPER OMG WHY I AM I SO AWKWARD AROUND HIM. i’m completely mortified about something i said to him today, that he probably didn’t think twice about but i am so sure i am now the psycho stalker bitch. he killed it first, and i just smashed and burned what was left of it………..that’s that, i suppose. i start training with anthony tmrw, just met him today. also, i benched three sets of 105lbs today on my own. fuck that stupid boy, i got some muscle.

day 8..

Sat, 09 Jun 2012 21:35:22 -0400

idk what day it is. i’ll fix that in a sec lol

i mean i know it’s sunday..idk the number for this post! -.-

i’m scared. of something very new to me. it’s almost like a kid refusing to walk into a candy store. irrational, non-linear, stupid.

me.

lol that’s me. it’s about a boy. you know who i’m talking about. how the hell is this even real?!

i can’t possibly look beautiful every day, ESPECIALLY when you tell me that while i’m drenched in sweat.

i can’t possibly be THE fit girl in this huge gym, where you train plenty of girls every day.

i can’t possibly be this fairytale girl you’ve been looking for.

you can’t possibly fall in love with me.

can you?

it’s too good to be true.

i know this has nothing to do with fitness, or health, but it’s driving me crazy. I DON’T UNDERSTANDDDDDD

day 6..

Thu, 07 Jun 2012 12:15:00 -0400

we’ll stick with the numbers..the road to competition! lol

i forgot to tell you something. i have a trainer. his name is Abel. we’re doing a month of training together, every day. and probably more to compete. he usually trains me and dad together, but dad’s been busy and he’s leaving to austin today. so i get to killlllll ittttt!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i had a SICK back workout yesterday with abel, and half of it was on one leg and one arm LITERALLY. i mean, it was crazy. i wouldn’t be surprised if today he decided to teach me how to fly lolol

he’s so protective of me, and he is the sweetest guy i have ever met. this is going to sound so cheesy (i warned you lol) but yesterday we were talking about his boss, malik, who doesn’t need to know abel is training me. and abel said, don’t worry about him. he’s training his girlfriend, i’m training my girl. :OOO

didn’t happen just once either. and when i walked in yesterday he said hey beautiful. and omg i am so not used to this i need to stop. hahahaha

wait, one more thing. i was doing these one hand one leg plank with weight things (SORRY i don’t know what they’re called, other than defying gravity). and my shirt didn’t cover my boobs enough apparently. so guys would walk around to stare at me from the front side, because DEFYING GRAVITY WITH 25 LBS IN ONE HAND IS PRETTY FUCKING COOL or maybe because, newsflash, i have boobs. lol anyway, abel would stare back at them and then walk around and kneel in front of me so no one else could see hahaha i really appreciated it but i also thought it was hilarious.

he’s really fun to work with, and i’m glad he pushes me to step it up.

and i was also unaware gentlemen, like him, even existed.

i’ll let you know how tonight goes :)

xoxo

sum

day 4..

Wed, 06 Jun 2012 00:09:00 -0400

can we talk for just a sec?

i really would like you to read this.

the first round of hcg was miraculous. the second round of hcg was treacherous. the third round of hcg IS PSYCHOTIC.

here’s why. i have adopted a lifestyle of clean eating and intense training, daily. i’ve come to realize this was also the time my body healed itself from the rigorously (and stupid) restrictive diets i have completed.

now, i still support the teachings of the hcg diet in full. the teachings. from the diet, i learned how to control my body and my eating habits. i redefined my version of “healthy”. it took awhile, but it slowly engraved a pattern which i have had great results with.

at this point, completing this round of hcg will harm my body..inside and out. there is not enough protein in my daily intake to build lean muscle mass, much less maintain what i’ve worked so hard for. in the process of burning fat, i would lose significant muscle.

competition training requires a strict diet, with a solid source of macros!! these include protein, AND fats, AND carbs. bodybuilders cannot sustain themselves on 500 cals a day, and it would be unrealistic to consider training additionally.

in short, i have decided to discontinue this round of hcg and revert to my clean eating habits. my hope is to lean out while gaining roughly 10 lbs of muscle by october.

with proper nutrition, that goal IS realistic.

i’m not willing to sacrifice my health for lower numbers on the scale anymore.

i pray you never EVER consider doing such a thing either.

there is no easy way around getting fit. it’s a process that takes consistency and patience, and a whole lot of heart!

if i can do it, you can as well. and we can do this together. :)

little victories.

day 3..

Tue, 05 Jun 2012 00:03:00 -0400

BACK TO NUMBERS!!!

im not really that excited lol

i was hungry earlier in the day, but i got past it fairly easily.

today, i started competition training!!!!!!! shoulders :)

it was rough getting through weights and cardio with only 500 cals, but i’m fairly dehydrated at the moment as well.

overall, not bad by any means.

also, in my head, i keep thinking about how treatment may hinder my progress. idk why it keeps popping up out of nowhere. nerve-racking.

school drained me, too! i’m there from 8-2…LONGGGG day.

four months to lean out. :o for now, six hours to SLEEP :)

-sum

today was..

Mon, 04 Jun 2012 00:34:00 -0400

a lot of fun!!

i have been so ridiculously nervous about this new gym, because i didn’t know my way around all the machines!

so today, i went with my brother and i showed him every machine just like a trainer would ;) went through every muscle group, and i even learned the machines i didn’t know! very proud of myself for putting my big girl panties on this week :)

it’s been tough, but i am so glad i pushed through it!

also, tmrw i start the hcg diet for REAL!!! today was day 2 (which is just a 5000cal binge eating day). my posts will be numbered again tmrw! im not sure if im excited or not lol

i did take before pictures.. they’re disgusting and don’t do my awesome bod any justice whatsoever.

i don’t even care right now. even after eating complete shit for two days, i am still perfectly fine with my own body. it’s not that i think it’s perfect, or pretty, or any of those fancy things. i just know how hard i’ve worked, and i’m proud.

time to lean out! hoping this round of hcg does my body good!

school starts again tmrw, even though i just took a final friday. -.- i have a solid two hour break in between classes to study for the personal training exam!

also, today marks the third anniversary of one of my best friend’s death. i know that has nothing to do with any of this, but i haven’t talked about it with anyone. i’m holding a lot in right now, and i just wanted to say something.

miss you, kenz <3

pretty sure..

Thu, 31 May 2012 22:16:00 -0400

this new change is going to drain more out of me than any workout will.

i’m not happy. actually, i’m really agitated and in a general fuck the world state of mind.

which isn’t healthy.

the training session went well..but it was more of a biology lecture than it was of an exercise program.

in a way, that is what sold me on the idea of buying a package of sessions. i really want to compete, and these trainers are SMART. they know a lot. and they know it well. and even i, as educated as am i, learned so many new things from them in so little time.

they are also very well trained as sales people. it’s how they make a living, so i don’t hold that against them one bit.

i couldn’t buy them though, because it’s fucking expensive. and it’s a 3/6/12 months contract. which i don’t have the money for. and i have a shitload going on in my life right now. by the end of the year, i will have taken 15 classes. talk about a mindfuck.

but i really want to compete, so i’m upset i can’t do what makes me happy. and i’m even more upset that no one else is willing to try and make me happy, like my dad who signed me up for this bullshit because of his dramatization of the stalker. you don’t get to throw me into this zoo alone. i’m just not cool with that.

you have to keep an open mind going into things like this. that’s not difficult for me. the hard part is gaining confidence when you feel like you know so little and you’re just one person in a sea of hundreds.

the gym was packed. and it wasn’t easy to go in there alone.

i’ve made friends with a couple trainers, mostly because i have boobs. i’m so frustrated i don’t even want to eat.

for some reason, i’m not even willing to fight it. i just won’t eat.

they don’t have a stairmill at this gym; they have a stairmaster (this huge ass contraption that looks mount everest). i hate it, because i feel like im going to fall off the whole time. and at one point, i had three minutes left, and just decided to stop because i seriously thought my heart was going to explode or something.

and running hurts, dude. it just really fucking hurts. i ran last night and the pain was something akin to getting stabbed in the shins with a million needles.

overall, not an enjoyable experience today.

4am workouts, here i come. i have to get better at this quickly.

i joined..

Thu, 31 May 2012 14:23:00 -0400

a new gym today. freedom fitness. so if you need a workout partner, or a gym for that matter, call me. lol

it’s a fraction of what i was paying for the summit, and it is SO CLEAN.

I’M NERVOUS.

it’s definitely putting me in a negative place as far as self-esteem and confidence go. i’ll get over it eventually, but it’s going to require some 4am workouts for awhile. fml

i have a training initial assessment thing with this guy who happens to have graduated from my same high school (GO FIGURE). we didn’t know each other really, so it’s cool.

but i was sweating the whole time i was in there walking around and checking the place out. LIKE, THE ENTIRE TIME. eww, embarrassing.

i’m nervous about this whole training thing, but if it goes well i’ll probably buy a few more sessions to reorient my routines to the machines at the gym.

i guess im apprehensive because it’s just so HUGE. everything is mammoth size compared to the summit, and i’m scared i won’t get the most out of my workouts because i’m intimidated.

this is gonna work, guys!! i’m gonna make it work.

-sum

oh! one more thing..he told me to eat a carbs before i came in.”do you like pasta?” i kid you not i almost said, oh i don’t eat that. lololol i just said okay instead -.-

this stalker..

Thu, 31 May 2012 03:12:00 -0400

has completely thrown me upside down!! :(

he wrote his number on my car in the dust..i texted it anonymously. he would only tell me he’s seen me at the gym, but not when. he clearly indicated, by the “ever since i saw you, i thought you were pretty” comment, that he’s seen me multiple times. there were others like, “u have beautyful eyes”. lol and judging by the fact that he knows what car i get in and out of, he has done some intense watching.

i finally told a gentleman that works at the summit, who happens to be the father of a son who works in the gym as well. the son knows every regular guy that walks in those doors, because he just hangs out with them all day. the two were staking out the gym the whole time i was there yesterday looking for some sign of who this person might be. then, he told me on my way out to come get one of them to walk me to my car.

i thought that was all very appropriate considering the circumstances, and i really appreciated the gesture. i didn’t ask on my way out though, because it wasn’t dark outside yet.

i, mistakenly, finally told my dad when i got home about the whole situation. he was frustrated i didn’t file a police report or something drastic.

today, he decided to take it upon himself to notify all of mcallen PD and the sheriff and etc. THEN, he decides i’m not going to the summit anymore, the gym i go to. yes, HE decided this. he proceeded to put me on this major guilt trip that could not possibly allow me to go against his request not to go work out today.

so i went to the country club gym, with twice as many starers and creepers. and i ran into half of my old high school. and it wasn’t enjoyable. and they didn’t have machines. and they only had one pair of weights of each weight. and it was way too packed for that tiny space.

I. WAS. FURIOUS. like raging, crying, mad at the world kinda furious.

especially when my dad said, “IT’S JUST EXERCISE.”

NO, NO IT IS NOT. IT IS MY LIFE. It is the only damn thing I do in a day besides go to school and work my ass off. SO, NO.

we’re going to look at a new gym tomorrow with his friend who got us to join the summit, who moved to this other gym. now, all of the sudden, the summit is a death sentence and this other gym is the best in the world. -.- give me a fucking break.

first of all, the summit costs $80 a month. to me, that means you have some serious motivation to be there in the first place, and you have a sense of purpose. these other gyms, and the one i’m going to look at tmrw, cost $10 a month and are packed to capacity with the most doucher posers ever…the ones that check in on fb and text while sitting on a bench listening to their ipods and have social hour with their friends and CREEP HEAVILY.

my mom came up with a decent idea to just hang out at the country club gym for a weeks so the person will think i quit going to the summit, and then start going back. my dad came to an agreement with that for now.

this incident is not something i completely wrote off. it’s scary to me, but it’s not gonna put my life to a standstill.

i don’t drive that car anymore. im driving my ordinary honda again. i don’t plan on going in the evenings, which i hardly ever do anyway. and i have to wake up in three hours to get a leg workout in.

im 19, with three professional certifications, a degree and then some (going on 3), stronger than the average male, as mature as a 40 year old,

and i am as liberated as a 2 year old.